TWO YEARS
As I watch the blooming of the earth again after the quiet winter, again I learn lessons of encouragement. No matter how cold or how much snow we had during the winter, life was not snuffed out. Life lay dormant but not dead. As the seasons changed and the earth provides the right environment to bloom again, I see a parallel in my own life.

Life has been mostly alone. I work daily finding that this is my work and ministry. The gals i work with provide my daily family structure. On the week-ends it is alone time and I have profited from that. The Cottage takes time and that keeps me on my toes.

June 23 will come and go and life will go on--a new life-- and I hope that after dormancy, it will bloom as the nourishment of the long, 2 years without Bob continues to feed me. Yes, I miss him and at times I am still ambushed by tears, emotions and missing him.

What will happen tomorrow? I will work with a full day of seeing clients, glad to be in the car driving most of the day and clients not aware of what my heart is feeling.

Tomorrow, the Weaver Olson's begin their journey back to MN. Quite symbolic I think. Karen and Ethan will remember and then we continue to live with out Bob and forging a new life.

Tomorrow I will close the account at the bank and send the memorial check to Bethel University to begin a scholarship fund for minority students of need.

Shalom

Memorial Week-End 2010

I began the week-end by reading the postings of CaringBridge 2 years ago. On that day, Bob was having a good day. I know that some may think I should "get on with life" but I have found that I must travel the journey that I feel is right for me. That is where my healing needs to come from. I went to the Farmers Market on Saturday to get some produce and there was Juli and Phil my friends from Mayo that were at my side on some of the most difficult days of Bob's illness. They were with friends and and I was invited out to lunch with them. That was great and good. Those merices are so welcomed.
It was also the week-end that my friend John, (he led Bob's service in Lanesboro and he and his wife Ruth found The Shire) moved to PA. He too is starting a new life as Ruth died about a year ago of CA. They have been our friends for years and John was probably one of Bob's closest friends. They retired from Bethel the same year. That had a strange impact on me--as it seems like another part of Bob's life left.
I was busy with the yard and it was hot and muggy, but I didn't seem to mind--just Charley who was in need of a haircut! Some beautiful music was winging its way through the windowns and God was present in a meaningful way.
In watching some of the Memorial Services, one serviceman mentioned that when he is in battle, what he thinks about is just going home. Like the bullets of war, they just keep coming your way, you dodge, some get you and some just take care of themselves. Without being profane in meaning, that is how the last 2 years has felt at times. You dodge this and that in the middle of your pain--some issues get you and other just keep on going.
The good news for me is that the greatest teacher and mentor has been my grief, pain and healing. It has taught me to be transformed that no matter what comes, the inward Ann will go on living--two steps forward and sometimes 3 steps back, but you just keep living and try not to dwell on the life that is no more, but find God's answers and guidance, " For such a time as this."
If you have prayed, please keep on holding all of us up to His guidance and reminders of His love for us. There has been change--and I believe that it is good.

Shalom,
Ann

The Hole

It seems like my postings are when "trouble" strikes or a event of note. Anyway, last Wednesday I had the macular hole repaired. As we know now, the surgeon says that all went fine. It was quite a light show. I had conscious sedation so I saw and heard everything. The eye is amazing. I saw as the surgeon peeled the membrane from the macula and then the insertion of the gas bubble. It was really something. I have another appointment tomorrow and hopefully a good report. Karen left yesterday after assisting in many ways and what a help she was. The hardest part was lying face down for the first 24 hours. I had a sore neck for a couple of days and now that has passed. I feel like I am in a silent retreat that I had not really imagined. I cannot drive, read for very long as my "good"eye gets quite tired. So this is short as I look at the computer the eyes are not down.

I have done quite a bit of reflection. It was 2 years ago last night that in my sporadic journal that I was suspecting that something was very wrong with Bob's hip. It seems like the battle has not let up much.

I have learned so much, felt so much and still come to the conclusion that this is life and now I must embrace it with the Grace of God to teach me the obedience of being a disciple.

Shalom,

Ann

Under The Knife

Another journey. Yesterday was the cataract surgery to prepare me for the retina surgery in March. It all went well and the surgeon was pleased with what he saw this morning before I came home. I was prepared for...well, I don't know what. There were lots of memories at the hospital that I thought would do me in but The Peace Of God surrounded me as again, as by myself I faced another challenge.

My friend from work, Jan took me to Rochester after work Tuesday so if we faced some bad weather, we would not have to drive the day of the surgery. I stayed with Julie and Phil for 2 nights and after the check this am, Juli brought me home then Charley arrived as another friend brought him home after caring for him. Rachel helped me take down the Christmas tree as it was too heavy for me to do alone and vacumned for me.

Thank you to those who prayed as I felt comforted by the surgery team who was wonderful and I was ready to leave the hospital about a hour after surgery. The car is getting some repairs also so I might go in to work tomorrow for 1/2 day to do some end of the month paper work. Blessings to all--I am doing well. I have to put 3 different meds in my eye 4x/day for a week. Now I can really relate to some of my clients!! Shalom, Ann

Reflections

Christmas is past, a new year has begun and on we go. The other day as I was sitting in my "quiet room" for some meditation, I had a candle lit as it always helps me focus and I love candles. I didn't get the windows covered this year, so they were a little frosty. I noticed however, that the frost was slowly melting as the heat from the candle kept burning. That spoke to me as a illustration. The light shines and the warmth melts the frost and I think that is how I will describe that lesson for myself.
Christmas was spent with Karen, Mike and Ethan and we had a good time "creaming" the guys in bowling with Karen's new Wii. New Years was quiet at home with a movie and reflecting.
Last year seems like many "breakdowns" from the land and machinery. Now as I start another year, there seems to be a break down in my eyes. I have a macular hole in my left eye with a cataract. I will let you Google the word and find out all about it. I certainly did not expect that news as all I went in for was to get new glasses. Another stretch and learning experience to say the least. My cataract surgery will be the end of the month and then the retina surgeon will do the MH repair about a month from that at Mayo. The surgeon says that my right eye is vulnurable for the same thing. The good news is that the surgeon said that I did not have to lie on my stomach for two weeks with my head down. He said that he requires my head to be down for 24 hours. I asked why the change from what I had read? He said that the literature is not quite up to date but that he has had 100% repair success. He also said that I would probably not have full 20/20 vision again, but I should see better than what I see now. A friend of mine from work took off work and drove me. What a gal.
It was so good to hear from so many of you the past two months. It warmed my heart to be in touch with so many again.
It has been difficult this week-end as Micah and Natalie have been sick. They have Micah at urgent care now and it is hard to be so far away that I cannot help. I have experienced the Peace of God which is not understandable, but it is there.
Shalom, Ann